My compruder

This post was originally going to be about my pets, luckily for you the pictures I need for it are stuck on my phone and I can't get them onto my computer. So... instead I'm pretty much just gonna write about not being able to put pictures on my computer. I know, it's like the cafeteria is out of corndogs so instead you get fish sticks.

Just call me FS, yo.

I got a new laptop a couple weeks ago. I like it. It's sleek, white and small:  how I like my men. It's a Sony Vaio, the poor man's Mac. It's a lot less bulky than my old Compaq. It's faster and more efficient. It doesn't have a thick red line running  vertically down the middle of the screen, and it operates for more than two minutes in a row without the charger plugged in. In a word, it's better. Yet it will not recognize my android when I plug it in. I admit I'm not tectch savvy. That's how you spell it, right? All I know is that I need to put my pictures that are on my phone onto my computer. I plugged the phone into my Vaio just like I did with my Compaq, but nothing. I did some research and was told to check to see if USB debugging was turned on and that it was "mounted." Indeed it was debugged and ready for action, so what's the deal? There needs to be some sort electrical juices exchanged here. Do I need to play some Barry White? Toss some roses around the room? Is  my computer a prude or maybe just thrown off by the fact that my phone has had prior experience with a big black Compaq?

What if I'm at a bar and I see fat, drunk guy dancing? I need to be able tape it so I can transfer it to my computer to watch it full screen when I get home. Or what if I think I see Kelsey Grammer at a Quiznos? I will need to put that on a hard drive so I can share it with my grandchildren years from now.

I've been on some of the forums but it says stuff like this:





You’ll notice while USB debug mode is off that you can easily mount your phone as an external drive, enable (built-in subscription based) tethering, or just have it charge. With Debug mode on, you usually need to download/install an additional driver on your computer if you want to retain the same features.

Can't I just bang my phone against the screen a few times? Maybe some atoms or something will transfer. Something needs to happen soon. This is is important!

Let's Get Funky

Shits ahoy am I in a Funk. Capital F, Funk. Motherfunkers. Literally and figuratively. My last shower, I'm pretty sure was over 48 hours ago. My last coherent, intelligent, happy normal person thought maybe six years ago or so. Time means nothing to me anymore. I've been living off of canned soups and peanut shells. My funkiness has been stewing over a low flame for quite some time until  yesterday when  it culminated on an excrutiatingly bland mid-March Monday, gray with heavy wet snow and needle thin ice pellets. I slept until 2, took a nap, and woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave for work at 3:40. I didn't change, bathe, or brush my teeth. My eyes were crusty and yellow and my teeth, they were mossier than the north side of a tree... (that's a thing, right?) I think I put on fresh underwear at least, but I'm too weak for a smell test. The thing that bothers me most is my hair It's so greasy that it seems I have no more singular, individual strands so much as a giant protein based grease ball atop my head. Anyway this post is sort of an explanation for my lack of fresh material. I think I'm finally on the other side of the Funk Hill, (ew) So if you don't hear from me soon, please pray to Saint Dawn, patron saint of oil covered birds for my recovery.

Chickens Jackin' My Style

Thanks to Capricious Retch from Rants, Chants and Heavy Pants- Mad Ramblings of a Bored Midwesterner for awarding me the Stylish Blogger Award. Go to his blog and read the poop out of it.

Here's what needs to be done to keep the award:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award, and link to them.

2. List 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass the award on to 15 newly discovered bloggers that you think deserve it.

4. Contact them, and tell them about the award


So seven things about myself:
1. I battle rap babies.
2. I steal fries.
3. I have a Garfield fetish. (both president and cartoon cat)
4. I smell like money.
5. I spy on my neighbors.
6. I throw up in cars.
7. I do squats.

15 blogs I like. A number of them wouldn't give two soggy shits if I gave them a stylish blogger award so I'll contact who I want.  It's not like you can take my award back. You wouldn't want it anyway, I took it into the bathroom with me.

 Building Frustration
 Left Alone With a Full Moon
 Joseph Artica
 Drone
 What Were You Thinking
The Anything Place
Divided Mind
My Confusion Theory
Steam Me Up Kid
Yellow Trash Diaries
The Monster Apathy
Pearl, Why You Little...
Dehydration and Procrastination
Chronicles of Amber

Hyperbole and a Half

An assortment of updates, poorly organized

Sorry I haven't updated lately. I've spent the last few days feverish, drunk and lacking internet. Plus the fascists at Google shut down my blog, presumably for speaking the truth. I don't sugar coat shit, yo. But I repealed it so it's here again. You're welcome. I'm still sick so this post might even be worse than my last. My brain feels like it's floating, like it's on a raft maybe with a margarita, skimming its crinkled, gray, brain- fingers delicately into my skull juice. Get your fingers outta my skull juice, brain!

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Let's see. I have a lot of things to say. First off, I am officially a columnist! I get paid in admiration, not money so I still have to keep my day job. I'm writing for buenojoe.com. It's based out of St. Louis, you know the place in the midwest with the giant bent slab of metal...

This is where I'm from. I live in the very top of the arch. If you look closely you can see me in a window flipping of the camera. But Bueno Joe  isn't just for St. Louisans, it's for everybody. Even someone in Des Moines might enjoy it.

My First Post on Bueno Joe


   

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Another thing I wanted to say is that I had deep- fried bacon. With a side of country gravy.

Probably didn't help me, health wise.

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Ok, it's the next day now. I feel better. Still a little coughy but out of the sick hole. Ew. Sick hole.
I spent the night at my parents the other night. Their idea of medicine is a steady stream of hot toddies. I love them.

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I went to what is supposedly the world's largest pub crawl. It's at the Lake of the Ozarks. If you don't know what that is, think of Cancun for Missourians. I saw this guy there.

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Remember my Chicago posts? No? Well, fuck you! Anyway when I was in Chicago I got my boyfriend this ocarina from the Field Museum gift shop.

Cute, right? I thought so too. I figured my boyfriend would play it a few times and forget about it. Like he did with his harmonicas and his jaw harp

Jaw Harp

But for some reason, he has a sick addiction to this ocarina. He won't stop playing it. And there's not really much you can do musically with the thing. Or at least he can't. .... Actually he's an extremely talented musician.

On guitar....

Here he is playing the ocarina

In the beginning you can hear him say "I don't want this on your blog." Well too bad. Payback for making me hear this soul withering tune day in and day out. It is truly haunting, isn't it? In a really awful way.

And it is the only. thing.  he. plays.

Don't judge him on his ocarina skills alone. Go here and listen to his band, Damned Holy Rollers. He plays guitar.

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I have to go to work now so I will stop typing. Sorry I'm really bad at transitions.

Bye