Snow Monster Survival Guide

We here in St. Louis are supposed to get roughly 45 feet of snow. What's worse is that it will be one giant snowflake. It will just fall out of the sky anytime between now and midnight. Just, you know plop on down. People have naturally been peeing their pants in terror, running around Walgreens in a blind panic, buying everything they can get their sweaty pee hands on. I blame the weathermen. They called this storm system "a monster headed our way.". A monster of snow! What are we to do? Well, you don't need to stock up on pedeggs and erasers or whatever people are going crazy for in Walgreens. You only need a few things:


1. D batteries. Get as many as you can. In case your roof caves in and you're stuck frozen under an avalanche of snow monster and roof, you can lick the tip of the battery to jolt you awake. You never want to fall asleep under a snow monster. Also don't tell the snow monster you need to "lick the tip," he might get ideas.

2. Bread, milk, and eggs. Everyone agrees these are the essentials for human survival.You can make egg sandwiches, or bread milkshakes, you can make bread sandwiches too, which consists of a piece of bread between two pieces of bread. I wouldn't recommend the milk sandwich.

3. Bags of salt. You'll be snowed in for three or four days, so it's likely you will exhaust your bread, milk, and egg supply. Now you will have to open up that giant cabinet thing in your kitchen and do some rummaging. You will be surprised by what you find in there. A can of Aldi's asparagus. Something which is either a dog bone or a fossilized cracker. A box of wild rice and bugs. A mouse which may or may not be dead. This is where salt comes in handy- a little seasoning goes a long way.

4.A shovel. This is pretty self-explanatory. You're going to need a weapon in case the snow monster somehow gets into your house. They are notoriously afraid of shovels. Make sure it's metal.

Most importantly, don't watch the local news! The weathermen seem like they are on your side, but they're working for the snow monster.  They want us to panic. The snow monster eats panic. You don't want him to get bigger, do you?