Chicago Trip Part 2: The Field Museum

We went to the Field Museum for the first time, which is Chicago's history museum. It costs several million dollars to get in, and that's just for the basic package. Yes, there are packages. Luckily, I saved two cents with  my expired college ID.


In order to save you the expense, I'm taking you on a virtual tour. Lucky you!

When you walk in, the first thing you see is Sue, a giant T-rex skeleton. I'm not going to post a picture of Sue because I'm in the picture and my face looks fat. But I do have a picture of Sue's skull, which was kept separate from her body because the dumb scientists couldn't figure out a way to stick it on the body without it falling off. I'm in this one also but it's blurry so I feel ok posting it.

What I really wanted to do was touch some dino bones. But the museum people are like nooo don't touch. blahhh! I did touch a sarcophagus though, so I should be getting my ancient Egyptian superpowers any day now.

Learning about the ancient Egyptians was my favorite part. Apparently they were all gay (and seemed pretty fun to hang out with)
Here, I'll show you.

I have no idea what's going on here, but it seems pretty gay.

"Oils were an extremely important product." Make what you will out of that.

He'll give you some, all right.

This cloth is divine? He's one cubit away from having his own show on Bravo.

They design their own clothes.

See below.

Also, there was this. 

Here are some mummies:

Cat mummy!

Goose mummy!

Lizard mummy!

Seriously, did you ever think you'd see a lizard mummy?


They also had this fucking adorable cat prayer in case your cat is sick. It's supposed to cover every possible thing that could've happened to your cat. It was quite long. There were even separate sections for your cat getting bit by a male or a female snake. Here was my favorite part:

"You cat here- your buttocks are the buttocks of the Great Swimming One

                                                                                      










 Here are some other things.

 Here's the proof apparently:

                                               AND....

*shudder*

I'm eternally grateful that this thing is extinct.

Your great great grandma

Earliest form of sunglasses: horsehair googles!

 A dinosaur with a shockingly small head

I saved the best for last

UPDATE: Completely forgot to post this:

"Deadhead culture, Chicago, 1990's"

Snow Monster Survival Guide

We here in St. Louis are supposed to get roughly 45 feet of snow. What's worse is that it will be one giant snowflake. It will just fall out of the sky anytime between now and midnight. Just, you know plop on down. People have naturally been peeing their pants in terror, running around Walgreens in a blind panic, buying everything they can get their sweaty pee hands on. I blame the weathermen. They called this storm system "a monster headed our way.". A monster of snow! What are we to do? Well, you don't need to stock up on pedeggs and erasers or whatever people are going crazy for in Walgreens. You only need a few things:


1. D batteries. Get as many as you can. In case your roof caves in and you're stuck frozen under an avalanche of snow monster and roof, you can lick the tip of the battery to jolt you awake. You never want to fall asleep under a snow monster. Also don't tell the snow monster you need to "lick the tip," he might get ideas.

2. Bread, milk, and eggs. Everyone agrees these are the essentials for human survival.You can make egg sandwiches, or bread milkshakes, you can make bread sandwiches too, which consists of a piece of bread between two pieces of bread. I wouldn't recommend the milk sandwich.

3. Bags of salt. You'll be snowed in for three or four days, so it's likely you will exhaust your bread, milk, and egg supply. Now you will have to open up that giant cabinet thing in your kitchen and do some rummaging. You will be surprised by what you find in there. A can of Aldi's asparagus. Something which is either a dog bone or a fossilized cracker. A box of wild rice and bugs. A mouse which may or may not be dead. This is where salt comes in handy- a little seasoning goes a long way.

4.A shovel. This is pretty self-explanatory. You're going to need a weapon in case the snow monster somehow gets into your house. They are notoriously afraid of shovels. Make sure it's metal.

Most importantly, don't watch the local news! The weathermen seem like they are on your side, but they're working for the snow monster.  They want us to panic. The snow monster eats panic. You don't want him to get bigger, do you?

My trip to Chicago

I just got back from a trip to Chicago with my family. We were visiting my brother and seeing a production his theater company thingy, Cold Basement Dramatics, put on. It was fantastic. Check out their website, give them money. And if you live in Chicago, go see one of their shows. Also, if you live in Chicago, I'm sorry. So very sorry.Not that Chicago isn't awesome. It is. In the summer.

It was just so cold. Oh so very cold. And gray. Grayer than... my dog brush. You don't know what my dog brush looks like, but it's pretty gray. Well except for the handle which is black.

I promise you, this post will get interesting. Maybe.


Ok, yeah so Chicago's cold. It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to walk everywhere or wait 15 minutes for a cab, I guess. (Haling a cab is way harder than it looks. I even tried to entrance  the cab drivers with my sexily outstretched leg. Actually, that may have been the reason they were ignoring us.) Let me stress that I loved Chicago when I visited it in the spring and summer. It's just that in the sickly dead of winter, after the holidays, after a new year's promises and resolutions were born, briefly cherished and and then discarded after you realized this year is exactly like the last and your ears, they burn from the searing wind and your fingers are stiff and white as wax. Your toes are numb or they tingle like carbonated frostbite. And you're hunched and walking dodging confident strangers and passing bums, breathing from one nostril because of your sinus, and your breath blooms before you bone white like the exhaust from cars and diesel trucks, which smell like an idling school bus, and it permeates some sort of primal layer in your brain or soul and makes you feel sick. The smell brings you back to fifth grade and you are that lonely, lost, straggly haired girl once again. If you try to think about something else, something other than the fact that deep down you'll always be your pathetic fifth grade self, the only thing you'll come up with is how incredibly fucking cold it is.


Okay I know I'm being dramatic, but I get very dramatic when I'm cold. I'd rather my face skin melt off from boiling lava than have the thermostat set lower than 70.

Except when it comes to snow. I'm totally cool with snow. (Ha, I made a pun...think about it) Have you ever noticed that it's not really that cold out when it snows?

This whole "Chicago is cold! Waa Waa Waa!" thing has gone on longer than I thought.
Here are some pictures.

UPDATE:

Me in 5th Grade

Dog Brush

New species of human?

I heard on the news today that there's a gorilla in Britain that walks upright like a human.

Fuck that. 

They need to know their place.

I'm sorry but isn't that what Big Foot is? A fucking upright gorilla? I don't see a difference.

 These Big Foots are  gonna be walking all over town. Knocking on your doors, selling you insurance. You'll see them at the mall trying on Uggs and shit. Gobbling up all the orange chicken at Panda Express.

It won't be long before they have Facebook accounts.

I'm not accepting a friend request from goddamn gorilla.
Sorry Tubs!


Here freaky British gorilla, watch this video please, for all our sakes:

Cream of chicken poop

Hungover, hungry, depressed, unshowered....is there a better way to start a blog? You may be thinking why don't you just go get some food? Or why don't you take a shower? Or why did you drink so much last night?  Well, first of all I would ask you how come you are so judgmental? Maybe you're insecure or just really self-righteous. Whatever your deal is, I'll tell you this, I can't get food because my boyfriend had to take my car to work and all we have in the house is cream of chicken soup and I really don't want cream of chicken soup. I don't know why I bought it in the first place. I do that a lot, actually: buy cream of chicken soup and then regret it. Apparently I think I'll want some later, but I honestly don't think I've ever had a craving for cream of chicken soup. Have you? Has anyone? I don't know what I was thinking.

As for your second question: why don't I take a shower? Well mainly because that involves getting off the couch. Don't get me wrong. It's not because I'm lazy...well it's half because I'm lazy, and it's half because standing up will almost certainly aggravate the dull ache in my prefrontal cortex  into a massive cranial throb. Also my stomach is an angry sea of intestinal juices. There's definitely some sort of hurricane grade action going on down there and I don't want to risk movement and feel body juice splashing around in my insides. Gross.

And so why did I get drunk? Well first of all because drinking is fun. Duh. Also because it makes me hurt less on the inside, which helps when me when I get into fights with my boyfriend or think too much about how one day I and everyone I know will no longer exist. There are consequences though, as you well know. Such as the sicky sicky sad feeling when you get up the next day, dancing in public and getting your phone stolen. Which happened to me last night, the public dancing and the stolen phone. When googling how to find a stolen droid, all I find are tracking apps I should've installed. Thanks google.

Oh it was so sad. I just went up to pay my tab and when I came back, it was gone. Like we all will be someday. You will return to the earth one day, dear phone. Until then, be happy.


UPDATE: Some guy accidentally took my phone. He found it in his pocket and called my dad. It is mine once again. Maybe we will live forever after all.